Aware Of My Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style By Simona Stefanescu Sex, Love And Relationships Mar, 2023

No matter how you choose to heal, self-awareness can go a long way. “Having an anxious attachment style does not mean you’re broken or undeserving of loving relationships,” Davis says. Anxious attachment in relationships can be difficult to understand and manage. However, awareness of how this attachment style develops and plays out in relationships can help anxious attachers and their partners reach more healthy and secure relationships. This can help you overcome your own anxious feelings and develop a healthy emotional bond.

The good part is that I’ve now understood more about my actions when I meet someone. People may develop an anxious attachment style due to genetics or the parenting style of their caregivers. Anxious attachment may feel like love, but it is coming from a wounded place and a fear of abandonment. However, with the right kind of support from the right partner, there is scope for healing and forming healthy connections that come from a place of security and safety, and be more loving and less trauma bonding. Have a strong support system apart from your romantic partner.

The success of attachment isn’t impacted by socio-economic factors such as wealth, education, ethnicity, or culture. Neither is having an insecure attachment style as an adult reason to blame all your relationship problems onto your parent. Your personality and intervening experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life can also play a role in shaping your attachment style. While the effects of dating with an anxious attachment style differ greatly from person to person, there are some pretty universal ways it can change your relationships. “An overwhelming fear of being rejected coupled with an intense dependency on our romantic partner, can result in behaviors that appear jealous, controlling, and possessive,” Davis says. Though insecure women are more likely to report anxiety and insecure men are more likely to report avoidance, there are still plenty of men who worry and overanalyze.

On average, symptoms of anxiety attachment style decreased with age, especially in participants of middle and older age. What’s cool about the Bowlby’s attachment style theory is that once you read it, you can easily recognize them in your own behavior, and therefore it is a starting point for your personal healing process. Once each of the people in the relationship heal their own attachment style first, they can then build more secure connection and attachment within their relationship overall. When the avoidant partner shuts off due to feeling too vulnerable, the anxious person will get triggered, trying earnestly to address the new perceived threat to their sense of security.

The last three attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — fall under the category of insecure attachment styles. “For people who suffer from anxious attachment, in order to form healthy relationships, it is important to, first of all, become aware of your attachment style. Second, learning how to express your emotions is extremely important for any individual and in particular those who suffer from an anxious attachment personality style,” says Safai. One of the best-known books on attachment theory, Attached, by Rachel S.F. Heller and Amir Levine, explains that those with an anxious attachment style are often drawn to people with an avoidant attachment style.

My last partner was incredibly sweet and a good person, but he definitely had some level of commitment issues. No cheating or anything like that, but he would sort of withdraw emotionally when things moved forward. He always came around, but this pattern left me reeling and worried a lot. I find I can get really attached in relationships and then get really fucking anxious about whether said relationships are going to last, even when things are going well. It makes being in a relationship and even just dating pretty exhausting.

Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but there’s every reason for them to open up emotionally—and their partners are helping. Have an open and clear discussion with your partner about how you can help them feel secure in the relationship while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Once you have done so, aim to reinforce these boundaries consistently. However, once someone with this attachment style starts to recognize their triggers and how they react to them, they can regulate their responses in healthier ways.

It ensures that we’re safe and can help each other in a dangerous environment. The anxiety we feel when we don’t know the whereabouts of our child or a missing loved one during a disaster, as in the movie The Impossible, isn’t codependent. Frantic calls and searching are considered “protest behavior,” like a baby fretting for its mother. I’ve learned the patterns, unfortunately I am still attracted to avoidant lovers but I have had a secure/anxious relationship and it was absolutely wonderful. It’s worth it to find someone secure you are attracted to or someone who can work with you as an anxious type. You should get your anxiety under control before you date people.

How To Overcome An Anxious Attachment Style While Dating

However, you should know that you can experience anxious attachments and still have healthy relationships. I used to have a hard time accepting this anxious attachment theory about myself, as if I’m broken and I will be damned if asked to change. But I think part of becoming a more secure person is not only to understand some less desirable traits about yourself, but to actively accept AND combat these negative tendencies in yourself. The anxious type generally needs more intimacy than the other types. We also often get that knot in our stomaches when we don’t get the closeness we crave and I would say that oneitis is very common for us. The worst part for me about it is realizing that all our traits is the, in pop culture and self help books, the least attractive.

Online Therapy: Is it Right for You?

An adult with an anxious attachment style may become very preoccupied with their relationship, to the point of coming off as “clingy” to their partners. They often worry that their partner will leave or stop loving them. People with an anxious attachment style may become manipulative when they feel that a relationship is threatened. Discussions about anxious attachment usually focus on romantic partnership, but it can affect friendships and other types of relationships as well. With therapy, it’s possible to change attachment styles and have healthy relationships.

It’s really scary since I know by bringing it up I might lose her. And to lose someone, and risking it, is one of the things I fear the most even if I know that I need to listen to myself and what I’m feeling. You can also express gratitude to your partner by thanking them for what they do.

How to go from anxious to secure attachment style

Anxious attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment styles characterized by a person whose “go-to” is anxiety and insecurity about their partner, the relationship, and themselves. Small reasons like not picking up a call or going out with friends can make your partner highly insecure. These are some of the behavioral traits of a person having an anxious attachment style . However, this condition is reparable and needs a lot of patience from the partner. It is completely possible to heal an insecure attachment style, and learn how to create a secure one. Attachment styles or types are characterized by the behavior exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened.

Remember, the only way for the avoidant person to come back into the field will be for the anxious person to withdraw some emotional energy out of the space. Once you understand the pattern in the field, you can choose consciously how to change the behaviors occurring in it. It’s possible to change your attachment style with the help of therapy and relationships with others with secure attachment.